I’ve started many letters like that. I like ambiguity, confusion makes me feel comfortable, a little allusive but still graspable. But it could be you. Right, buddy? I’m really just writing for the sake of having something to say and the time to do it. But specifically, I have something to say to you and it seems I found the courage or balls to say it now.
There were several days (and occasionally I find myself experiencing another one) were I was entranced by you. It was a problem for me. (I deny it to still be.) An obstacle to overcome. Someone could tell though, in the beginning, they could see that I was trying - trying too hard to not like you. What the fuck? I didn’t even realize stuff like that was observable. But he was saying it, I was denying it, but it was so true it scared me.
I’m not trying to be dramatic. I’m trying to discover something about _________. I can tell you the blank is a noun, but I don’t know what the fuck it really is. Myself? Life? You? People? Human connection and relationship? Take your pick, or find a word that means it all. Slip it under my door, or walk in, it will probably be unlocked.
Every day there is a moment where I say or think or whisper to myself, “You are not like anyone else.” I hope that doesn’t make me lonely. I think being lonely is just a cliche for lyricists and authors to exploit. Shouldn’t it be too easy to not be lonely? To find someone quickly, speak to them, converse, touch them and feel their body heat. Look into their eyes and see another person standing breathing beating living in front of you. I’m not lonely. But I am not like anyone else.
I perceive almost everything on my own terms. I have a strong moral base, and an ethical mind set, and when people come into my life with different morals and ethics I’m instantly fascinated, scared, bewildered, and cautious. I change on my own terms, and it doesn’t happen casually. I don’t want people to affect me without me knowing, I don’t want them to put them into me. That’s not to say that I’m not affected, some people I let change me completely.
I think you are one of them. I’ve always put things into categories, I like comparisons and similies and relatable anythings. Something to go back to when something new pops up, ya know? So I know you are one of these people because there has been people like you before. People I can look in the eye and not have to reign myself in when I open my mouth. We can talk in circles, we actually listen to one another. (It’s bizarre how many people don’t listen.) I can be free - when it’s just the two of us. When other people appear it‘s different, you change, we change - it just happens. Does with everybody. Even the others in the category so it’s expected. I’m good at expecting things. I like predicting things. I love it when I’m right.
I do this thing when I really love people. I hate it but it’s so easy to do, and usually I don’t realize what I’m doing until someone is saying fuck you or I hate you or not answering my phone calls. I get caught up and wanting to figure them out, wanting to know them... almost like I want to be able to read them, if that makes sense. But I get to this point. I see them, I read into them, I analyze, we talk, I analyze more, and then unconsciously I start to create a persona or something. Like the rest of the person I don’t know. And I think I’m okay at it because in my gut I feel like I really know people, like I could imagine their past present future if asked. It sucks because when I’m mad, when we’re fighting or angry or distant or not talking, I know exactly what to say that hurts the most. Even if it is sarcasm.
Maybe I have a problem with jealousy too. But I’ve never written about that so I don’t know how to think about it right now. Well, I came back to this paragraph after finishing and thinking. I don’t understand why I don’t know certain things. Stupid little things, but facts, events none the less that have affected you. You find them meaningful enough to mention to other people but not to me, even when I ask. They mention them to me, say them casually like I should know, like I should know you, and I don't. That sucks, and hurts, but maybe I’m just jealous. But why?! Fuck.
I could apologize right now. But I have before so it feels pointless. I don’t think you accepted it in the begining anyways, but that’s fine. I still have more to work out in my mind when it comes to you. Actually, it doesn’t come to just you. It’s a bunch of people - and their morals - and how they differ from mine. On a couple of matters... How I see what you’re doing, how ya’ll tell me the stories, and I can nod and smile, try to understand what response ya'll are looking for, even interject advice or comments when the time comes in conversation. But I haven’t been there. And I honestly don't want to be.
I want to be in the movies when I die. I want to have a tough childhood and struggle to get my education. I want to be afraid of the world at first and then take it in my hands and make it my own. I will love many people, but I want to be in love with one person. I want to make a life with them and struggle to keep it together. I don’t want it to be easy, but I don’t want to fail. And I want to make so much art, so many different kinds of it, that it’s tiresome to count. It would be awesome if you were there.
That’s the plan. I’m a planner, also. Very little is written down but so much is going to happen.
I have this friend, when we were younger we were iffy friends, kind of teetering on friendom and lack of true care, or something. I love her. I could tell her anything, but I’ve barely told her anything I think. I have so much to talk about with her it’s insane. I would love to sit across from her and just listen for hours, look into her eyes and understand her completely. I miss her a bunch, but I see her occasionally and I know some day we will go for coffee and it will become one of the top ten best days in my life. I will know her forever, and in 2079 I will ask her on a date, just for the hell of it because once when we were younger I said I would.
I love you. I could tell you anything, but I feel I lost your trust. I want to be resentful and say look at your other fucking friends, and you think I’m not trust worthy? I don’t want to be like that really, but I said it, and it’s there, and true. I’m honest. The fault is that I’m more honest than loyal. Which is just how I chose to structure my morals, but I realize that and am ok with it.
I want you to have the best life ever. It really boils down to that. I want to be your friend, I want you in my life, I want to talk to you and listen to you and learn from you and laugh with you and make a bunch of stories together. So, trust me.
There’s always more to say with me, more to think about for sure. But I’ll end there for today.
- KS
PS You could have answered my text and I never would have written this. I saw some things online, started thinking, thought some more, like most of the day, and finally had to write to get out of me.
12.20.2007
12.01.2007
Beta Blog: Marijuana Mind?
Your brain has a receptor for THC.
I figure this is an important thing to know, or maybe just an interesting conversation starter. I recently read this article about the whole thing, it was published in 1995 in this extremely legit magazine. Check out their website. The article delves deeper into the discovery of the THC receptor site in the brain.
Basically though, in 1988 the world changed. Thanks to new technology (as always) scientists were able to discover a system of cannabinoid neural transmitters. Back in 1986 scientists developed a synthetic cannabinoid named CP 55,940 – it was 10 to a 100 times more potent than THC (oh shit.)
So the scientists used the synthetic cannabinoid to figure out if there was a receptor for it. “A receptor is determined by exposing brain tissue to various chemicals and observing if an of them uniquely bind to the tissue.” And “Precise scientific criteria was fulfilled in order to determine the existence of a pharmacologically-distinct cannabinoid in brain tissue.”
Scientists at the National Institute of Mental Health found the location of cannabinoid receptors in human brains, as well as other species, only a year later.
What do you think this all means?
This dude Mechoulam, mentioned in the article, talks about how, “Cannabis is used by man not for its actions on memory of movement or movement coordination, but for its actions on memory and emotions,” and asks, “Is it possible that the main task of cannabinoid receptors… (is) to modify our emotions, to serve as the links which transmit or transform or translate objective or subjective events into perceptions and emotions?”
Now my first response: “That dude is so on something.”
But I really liked his closing, “Let us hope, however, that through better understanding of cannabis chemistry in the brain, we may also approach the chemistry of emotions.”
Trippy stuff, he talked about it at a cannabinoid research conference in 1990, but it still sounds pretty nifty today. - KS
[Website: http://www.hightimes.com/ht/home/]
[Article: http://users.lycaeum.org/~sputnik/Drugs/THC/Health/mj.brain.html]
I figure this is an important thing to know, or maybe just an interesting conversation starter. I recently read this article about the whole thing, it was published in 1995 in this extremely legit magazine. Check out their website. The article delves deeper into the discovery of the THC receptor site in the brain.
Basically though, in 1988 the world changed. Thanks to new technology (as always) scientists were able to discover a system of cannabinoid neural transmitters. Back in 1986 scientists developed a synthetic cannabinoid named CP 55,940 – it was 10 to a 100 times more potent than THC (oh shit.)
So the scientists used the synthetic cannabinoid to figure out if there was a receptor for it. “A receptor is determined by exposing brain tissue to various chemicals and observing if an of them uniquely bind to the tissue.” And “Precise scientific criteria was fulfilled in order to determine the existence of a pharmacologically-distinct cannabinoid in brain tissue.”
Scientists at the National Institute of Mental Health found the location of cannabinoid receptors in human brains, as well as other species, only a year later.
What do you think this all means?
This dude Mechoulam, mentioned in the article, talks about how, “Cannabis is used by man not for its actions on memory of movement or movement coordination, but for its actions on memory and emotions,” and asks, “Is it possible that the main task of cannabinoid receptors… (is) to modify our emotions, to serve as the links which transmit or transform or translate objective or subjective events into perceptions and emotions?”
Now my first response: “That dude is so on something.”
But I really liked his closing, “Let us hope, however, that through better understanding of cannabis chemistry in the brain, we may also approach the chemistry of emotions.”
Trippy stuff, he talked about it at a cannabinoid research conference in 1990, but it still sounds pretty nifty today. - KS
[Website: http://www.hightimes.com/ht/home/]
[Article: http://users.lycaeum.org/~sputnik/Drugs/THC/Health/mj.brain.html]
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